~Because I'm A
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television
remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able
to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as
sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that
lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and
ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to
purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk,
or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know
these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances
stops working I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here
and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car
I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and
ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I
will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I
know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me
what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your
mother, or have your mother come visit us, or
talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did
you remember to pick up something for my mom,
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at
the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the
90's, I will share equally in the housework. You
do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and
the dishes. I'll do the rest.